by Steve Rhodes
Chucky, the terrifying doll from the Child’s Play movies, has issued a warning to his real-life likeness, Buccaneers’ Head Football Coach, Jon Gruden. The message: Win the Super Bowl, or else. Chucky, whose real name is Charles Lee Ray, is known for his strange and violent behavior, becoming a star thanks to several gory films in the “Child’s Play” series. Gruden became involved with Chucky thanks to an eerie resemblance, featuring weird, matching grins.
Chucky, who was reached in his Malibu, California home, did not mince words when discussing Gruden’s future. “Gruden better win the whole thing next season, and I’m not playing,” the tiny, violent actor stated via long distance. “Everything was cool when he had three straight double digit win seasons, but that was a long, long time ago. See, his and my fortunes are intertwined. When he was up, I was up. Champagne, the ladies, you know what I mean. Now, 4 out of 6 years with a losing record, no playoff wins since winning the Super Bowl, now a weak 9-7 record in a piss-poor division. A home playoff game. Lah-dee-friggin-dah.”
Chucky then excused himself for a few minutes. Screams could be heard in the background but I was afraid to ask about them when he returned. Chucky sighed and continued, “I want some results. He is making me look bad. I haven’t had a hit movie since he went into the tank. You think that’s a coincidence? This Malibu condo doesn’t pay for itself.”
When asked what might happen to his alter-ego if a Super Bowl championship was not in the cards, Chucky was once again to the point. “He knows where I stand on this. I don’t fire people. I set fire to people, or chop, you know, whatever I am in the mood for that day.”
It has been said by close friends of Chucky that he has been very depressed since his girlfriend, Tiffany, left him for another doll two years ago. Chucky blames Gruden for this and other changes in his (Chucky’s) lifestyle since the Coach stopped winning playoff games and having winning records. “That Super Bowl win is getting a little grey around the temples, if you know what I mean,” Chucky screamed through the receiver. “I want to be back on top. Frankly, I never saw the resemblance but he (Gruden) kept pushing it with that stupid grimace that he stole from me.” Coach Gruden could not be reached for comment but his dry cleaner did admit that Gruden had brought in more pants for cleaning than usual.